• About
  • Contact
  • Subscribe
  • Download App
  • Virtual Summit
  • Benefit Hub for Subscribers Only
SWHELPER | Social Work | Social Justice | Social Good
No Result
View All Result
  • Login
  • Register
  • Home
  • News
  • Culture
  • Mental Health
  • Politics
  • Tech
  • Disability
  • Webinars
  • Podcast
Find/Post Jobs
  • Home
  • News
  • Culture
  • Mental Health
  • Politics
  • Tech
  • Disability
  • Webinars
  • Podcast
No Result
View All Result
SWHELPER | Social Work | Social Justice | Social Good
No Result
View All Result
Home Mental Health

Conflict Resolution: Who Started It Doesn’t Necessarily Matter!

Gary DirenfeldbyGary Direnfeld
September 27, 2017
in Mental Health, Parenting
0
ADVERTISEMENT
Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on PinterestShare via EmailShare on Reddit

Remember in the Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy began her stroll down the Yellow Brick Road? Eventually, she came upon a fork in the road. There she stood, unable to determine which way to go until the voice of the Scarecrow came from behind. With arms folded one over the other and fingers pointing out in opposite directions, he said, “some folks go that way (pointing in one direction), and others go that way (pointing in the other direction).”

Sitting between parents in a high conflict situation with regard to custody and access issues is like watching the scarecrow. However, with separated parents they are both pointing at each other, each blaming the other for initiating and maintaining their conflict. In many instances, both have contributed to their mutual conflict and hence both feel justified at incriminating the other. Regardless of who started it, in many instances, it is clear, they both maintain it. As a concept, this is known as circular causality.

The issue of determining who started the conflict takes on significant meaning for separated parents. They hold a belief that by determining who started it and affixing blame, the alternate parent will not only be vindicated, but their position with respect to a solution of the actual custody/access dilemma will take precedence. To this end, parents in high conflict entrench themselves in their position, behaviours that actually contribute to the very conflict from which they seek relief.

The mediator, assessor or parenting coordinator appointed to relieve the conflict, normalize relations and facilitate the children’s development between separated parents obtain a history of the situation. The purpose is not to determine and ascribe blame, but to understand the dynamics and behavioural specifics of the conflict that continue to keep it alive.

The goal of intervention, be it mediation, assessment, court order or parenting coordinator is to interrupt the sequences of behaviours leading to circular causality, in favour of creating new behavioural sequences that promote healthy relationships and the child’s reasonable psycho-social development.

This is a challenge. Parents in high conflict are reluctant to let go their position, present with a strong need to be vindicated and often do lose sight of the long-term needs of their children. In many cases, this situation is exacerbated by lawyers who are more apt to fight their client’s cause versus facilitate agreement even in the face of differences of opinion.

Children who fair better with regard to psycho-social well-being, have at least one parent who is able to forgo a determination of “who was right and who was wrong”, in favour of developing agreements to act reasonably and structure custody and access arrangements that facilitate all pertinent relationships.

Where parents are seemingly unable or unwilling to cease their role in the battle, they are advised to attend with a Parenting Coordinator, a parenting expert empowered to act as arbitrator. One thing is certain, separated parents continuing to behave in their usual manner will likely continue to live in conflict and hence rear children who in turn will experience distress.

However, if parents agree to heed the direction of the Parenting Coordinator and let go the need to determine who was right and who was wrong, they have the opportunity to escape the trap of circular causality and move forward to healthy and constructive living.

Given the history of conflict, the loco parentis will likely begin with no faith or hope. However, faith and hope are not prerequisites for success; only commitment to following through as directed. Faith and hope can develop over time, the result of behavioural action.

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
ADVERTISEMENT
Previous Post

How Disability Culture Can Inform Mentoring Girls with Disabilities

Next Post

BASW and SWU launch ‘Respect for Social Work’: The Campaign for Professional Working Conditions

Gary Direnfeld

Gary Direnfeld

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW is a Canadian Social Worker in private practice and a Social Work Helper Contributor. From his 65 episodes of the hit show Newlywed/Nearly Dead, to over 300 columns as the parenting expert of a major metropolitan newspaper, to more than 250 media appearances, to his book, Marriage Rescue: Overcoming ten deadly sins in failing relationships.Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America.

Related Posts

5 Ways To Boost Employee Wellbeing
Health

5 Ways To Boost Employee Wellbeing

January 7, 2023
Self Care is a Requirement
Mental Health

From Burnout to Firestarter

January 7, 2023
What is High Performance Culture and How to Create It
Business

What is High Performance Culture and How to Create It

January 7, 2023
To Address the Child Care Crisis, Talk to Low Wage Moms
Child Welfare

What is Early Trauma and Why Does it Matter?

January 7, 2023
ABA Therapy Is the Gold Standard for Tennessee Children With Autism
Mental Health

ABA Therapy Is the Gold Standard for Tennessee Children With Autism

September 19, 2022
Improving Older Adults’ Mental and Emotional Well-Being with Home Health Care
Elder Care

Improving Older Adults’ Mental and Emotional Well-Being with Home Health Care

September 16, 2022
Next Post
BASW and SWU launch ‘Respect for Social Work’: The Campaign for Professional Working Conditions

BASW and SWU launch 'Respect for Social Work’: The Campaign for Professional Working Conditions

The Y Wants Everyone to Take a #SelfieWithSomeoneNew

The Y Wants Everyone to Take a #SelfieWithSomeoneNew

Leave Comment
ADVERTISEMENT
What Can Be Done To Solve The Foster Care Crisis?

Ending the Therapeutic Relationship: Creative Termination Activities

June 24, 2022
What Feelings Are In Your Heart: An Art Therapy Exercise for Kids

What Feelings Are In Your Heart: An Art Therapy Exercise for Kids

June 19, 2022
Want to Work With Children: 5 Skills and Qualities You Should Be Working On

Want to Work With Children: 5 Skills and Qualities You Should Be Working On

April 7, 2019

Connect With Us

Twitter
FlipboardInstagram
ADVERTISEMENT
Facebook Twitter LinkedIn Instagram TikTok
SWHELPER | Social Work | Social Justice | Social Good

  • Contact
  • Subscribe
  • Buy Merch
  • Download App
  • Terms of Service
https://youtu.be/jWzjyPoSjtw

© 2022 Social Work Helper, PBC

No Result
View All Result
  • Home
    • News
    • Culture
    • Technology
    • Politics
    • Criminal Justice
    • Social Work
    • Education
    • LGBTQ
    • Technology
    • Disability
  • About Us
  • Contact
  • Webinars
  • Virtual Summit
  • Career Center
  • Download App
  • Subscriber Benefit Hub
  • Subscribe
  • Login
  • Sign Up
  • Cart

© 2022 Social Work Helper, PBC

Welcome Back!

Sign In with Facebook
Sign In with Google
Sign In with Linked In
OR

Login to your account below

Forgotten Password? Sign Up

Create New Account!

Sign Up with Facebook
Sign Up with Google
Sign Up with Linked In
OR

Fill the forms below to register

*By registering into our website, you agree to the Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.
All fields are required. Log In

Retrieve your password

Please enter your username or email address to reset your password.

Log In
This website uses cookies. By continuing to use this website you are giving consent to cookies being used. Visit our Privacy and Cookie Policy.
Go to mobile version